0206 – A leap back in time

In #205, I posted about the past. It’s the same again in #206, but I’m hoping this would be so much more pleasant and uplifting.

So I watched Toy Story 3 today. IT WAS THE BEST DAMN THING I’ve seen in a long time. I was so excited after the movie. I loved the opening and the ending. Plot’s not perfect, but it fits together nicely in the end. Left me crying for Toy Story 4.

I don’t know why I love this movie so much. I’ve been a harsh critic of movies, but I love this one. Maybe it’s something I can relate to. The story of growing up, not wanting to part with anything. The story of friendship, hardship and loyalty. I do have something at home that I refuse to get rid of – will surely blog about it later (will be a surprise, I promise). As we grow up, there are still things that we cling on to simply because they are part of our childhood. To put it differently, we all have our own ‘Woody’s. When Andy started welling up when he was about to leave Woody.. that was the moment.

Some things know no boundaries. Andy still plays with his toys, and Woody still has a place in his heart. It is nice to know that amidst all the change, some things remain unchanged. Toy Story 3 traveled me back in time – to the time when I didn’t know much about life and what were to become of me. Come to think about it, it was a sweet time. Childhood, in my opinion, shapes and molds your character like nothing else does. It’s amazing to see how fast times have flew by: eleven years since Toy Story 2, and like in the movie, things have changed dramatically. Although the eternal existence of the toys do somewhat create a comforting effect that kinda gives me the feel-good smile.
 

Boy does Woody inspire. My favorite out of the bunch. I loved the way the story was told. Andy had to let go of Woody, and  I probably had to let go of some things. but it was heartwarming to see an 18 year old play with toys like he used to, and it was heartwarming to see a perfect ending to a perfect Toy Story series.

I love Toy Story, and – as unlikely as it sounds – fingers crossed for Toy Story 4.

0205 – Obsessed with the past

Let’s recall what I said in #198 – I don’t particularly cling to the past.

Who am I kidding??

The ‘chosen’ past sticks with me forever. I’m not necessarily the chooser here. My brain does that for me. It chooses to remember the moment that defines the character, the moment that hurts the most, and the moment that gives you joy. Sadly, my brain doesn’t really remember joy very well. It just doesn’t. It’s not my choice. I get exasperated by the things I did without careful consideration. I get bogged down by the ‘what-if’s all the time. I am obsessed with the past.

It is probably a common perception that one should look ahead make the best of today. Today becomes the past tomorrow. And tomorrow will soon become the past. Then the past sometimes slips into oblivion, unseen and unheard of ever again.

I sometimes get intrigued by the proposition that time is an illusion, a mere man-made concept. Everything is omniscient and universal if we look hard enough. Seems impossible, doesn’t it? But you know, sometimes with the past lingering with me so much, I wonder if it can be true. I sometimes have episodes of flashbacks to different moments in my life – moments that sometimes make me grin and moments that make me wonder why.

I’d never understand time. I hate it, but I can’t live without it. It controls my life. Even when it already passed, it manifests in my mind and still manages to haunt me.

There’re a lot of people who told me ‘I sometimes wish I’m as smart as you’ or ‘I kinda wish I’m more like you’ or ‘You’re so smart I’m so jealous’. Now I’m telling you, don’t be. please. it’s not so beautiful. What you see is not the whole puzzle. There’re pieces, remnants and shrapnels of emotions, stress, anxiety, hatred, jealousy, depression, and so much more. I miss out so much of my childhood, friendship and my social life, and I believe if I know what those things mean, I’d never trade them for anything else. Being smart and hardworking has its rewards sometimes, but you all should treasure what you have, because whatever they are, I’m sure they’re special.

We humans are never satisfied with our lives, but we can sure as hell try.

I’ve been trying, nineteen years and counting.

0204 – Judgment

The Judgement. A very ‘interesting’ card in the Tarot deck. What’s the judgement?

Who judges our lives? Is there somebody above who judge our actions? Are we allowed to judge others?

The society and us all, through media and gossip respectively, has always been judgmental, putting immense pressure on some. Do we have the right to do that?

On one hand, we are entitled to our own opinions – for sure. but keep it to yourself will ya? and euphemisms are there for a reason too. I’m pretty judgmental myself. I have my own beliefs and opinions on things, but others do too. It’s very depressing for me and for some others to be subjected to judgment. It’s enough to be judged by myself. I’m usually my harshest critic – and source of depression. Probably don’t need others top add to that.

On a brighter note, a quadruple birthday bash tonight! should be fun! =)

0203 – Interesting

Majors that I think would be cool (and hence people in these majors are cool) and I might enjoy:

1. Economics
2. Philosophy
3. Financial/Actuarial Math
4. Environmental Chem.
5. Alternative Energy Engineering, minus the heavy mechanics/physics stuff
6. Buddhist studies

I’m in chemical engineering – not that close to 5., mind you.

Oh life.

0202 – The best number, the best path

What’s your name? What’s your number? I’m glad I came. Can you take my order?

Awesome song.

Anyway, I’ve been doing more thinking, and I realize that the best number (in reference to post #201) of all, the one that should be admired the most, is actually 0-0-0!

How difficult would it be for one not to desire anything at all?

Impossible, you say. Impossible as it seems, people have, with unparalleled determination, succeeded in doing so. Note that not desiring anything at all means not desiring the 0-0-0. That just takes impossible to another level, doesn’t it?

I desire Nirvana. I long for the time where I am free from the defilements of our world. I long for the time where I can see the world through a pure heart and a good-willed mind. I wonder how close I can get to Nirvana. How many lives will it take before I muster the courage and determination to start practicing for real. Or if I can ever get close to Nirvana at all.

You know we all claim to be Christians or Buddhists or Hindu or Muslim, but how many of us actually follow the principles? How many of us actually think about religion when making choices in life? I’m thinking it’s not that many. How many of us actually follow the principles close enough to really be what we claim to be?

If we all stay close to religion, and hold on to it as guidance in everything that we do, I think it’s a promising world. I’m seeing a very very promising world.

0201 – What makes you happy?

So while I was showering today – yeah, I do a lot of thinking while I’m showering – and came up with this idea that I’m gonna list what would make me really happy, and divide it into three categories: for myself, for my family, and for the world.

For myself:

1. My favorite tennis players win Grand Slams
2. Michigan becomes the best college in the world
3. I become tall dark and handsome
4. Find my life’s purpose
5. Stay youthful and vibrant forever
6. Have more willpower to be a true and active Buddhist
7. To find the love of my life and have two children
8. To have friends who I can trust for life

For my family:

1. For my sister to be more mature
2. For my parents to be happy
3. For us to be closer

For the world:

1. For everybody to start caring about the environment and stop being so goddamn ignorant
2. For everybody to be happy.
3. For us to to develop a new source of energy
4. For everybody to be more service-minded and help those who are less fortunate
5. For all beings to be able to rid themselves of all kilesa
6. For everybody to be utilitarianists
7. For us all to be able to trust each other

Hmmm. That’s it for now. 8-3-7. Pretty good I’d say. It’ll change over time. I’d admire those who have a number like 3-5-12 or even 1-2-4.

What’s your number?