0127 – Saddest thing in a longg time

My friend offered me free tickets to see Paula Creamer and Suzanne Pettersen at the end of the week, but I WILL BE IN SINGAPOREEEE.

T-T

We all have something that means a lot to us but means shit to other people. This is it for me. I like this girl, Paula Creamer, more than I do Venus, Dementieva or any other celebrity on earth. Sobs.

Must be the end of my luck spell indeed. Queen of Dracaenas gone! 😦

I am depressed.

0126 – Lady luck

Some things shouldn’t be mentioned so publicly. If you take out getting on wrong buses and walking the wrong way out of the equation, lady luck has been on my side recently. I got what I shouldn’t have. lol. And for that, I thank you, lady luck. Maybe I deserve it? lol. Whatever.

I’m just grateful, and happy. very happy.

I’m really really grateful that I’m having a good spell of life lately. It serves to remind me that maybe I shouldn’t be so negative all the time.

Life is beautiful when you say it’s beautiful.

Due to the fact that uncertainty is the only certainty, sometimes the only expectation you should have is that life is uncertain, and that you’ll be given what you’ll be given. Inner peace, calmness and love are traits that have deserted me in adverse circumstances, and learning trying to win them back involves accepting the fact that life never goes your way all the time.

🙂

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Mann I can’t believe I forgot to talk about my Queen of Dracaenas. This plant rarely blooms; sometimes it takes ten years to do so. Due to this fact, Thais have the belief that the blooming of the Queen of Dracaenas signify that you’re on a spell of good fortune. In fact, the tree is called ‘wadsana’ , meaning good fortune. So, if one is very lucky, the flower may bloom every two years or every three year or so.

I have four ‘Queen of Dracaenas’es at my place. Now, my parents said of all the years at my house (around 15 years I guess), the Queen of Dracaenas has never bloomed. lol. And guess what! It just bloomed!!! I was so so happy!

Pictures! Now, they are extremely difficult to take because it’s a night blooming flower, so the lighting is horrible. Couple that with a lousy photographer and you get horrible pictures.

0125 – Randy Pausch writes memorable last quarter of the book

"Somehow, with the passage of time, and the deadlines that life imposes, surrendering became the right thing to do."

"Yes, I’m a great optimist. But when trying to make a decision, I often think of the worst-case scenario. I call it "The Eaten By Wolves Factor." … One thing that makes it possible to be an optimist is if you have a contingency plan for when all hell breaks loose. There are a lot of things I don’t worry about because I have a plan in place if they do."

Well well, looks like I have a lot to learn.

I wanted to rant about how …. wasteful, in terms of both money and time, and useless some of the things I do about university application matters. Instead, I’m gonna turn it into a reflection, in response to the quote from Randy.

I am kind of a pessimist. I look for the ‘worst-case scenario’ that Randy talks about almost all the time. Yet, I spend my time fearing that these worse-case scenarios might actually happen, and I might just die, metaphorically. I don’t always come up with a contingency plan; sometimes I just felt as if things are slated to happen and I can’t do anything to happen. But no. I can do something. It’s not Destiny who chooses my path; I choose the path, and destiny walks me through it. I have to be in control.

Sometimes my contingency plan can be just trying to calm myself down. Being severely emotional sucks when you don’t get what you want. I need to learn that I can’t have it my way all the time. I need to compromise.

Part of being a Scorpio means that I demand the best for myself, relentlessly and determinedly. And I am trying to handle this urge to be on top. Being a Scorpio gives me great vitality and energy, which if channeled in the positive way will, I hope, lead me to be something great. So I have to really stop messing around already. Emotions drain lots of energy. lots and lots.

(I wanna digress a bit. Sorry. lol.

Maybe that’s why I feel so miserable these days. I am home, playing computer, and slacking all the time. Basically, I’m doing nothing. And I’m so not happy with that. I want to DO SOMETHING. I wanna have responsibilities. I wanna have work! lol. I wanna fast forward myself to my time in university.

Now, back to the topic.)

So, yes. I am always not happy about something, even when something very good happens. Let me give you an example.

University applications are a vital turning point in my life, so of course I have contingency planS. I have plan A, plan B and plan C. I applied through this program, applied through that website, applied for this scholarship, took the SAT, took the TOEFL, took the Thai scholarship test, applied for financial aid, bla bla bla. I do everything. I do everything in my power to see that I WILL get into a good university and that I will hopefully be able to afford the education in the USA, the free world.

I thought Plan A was gonna falter so I spent so much effort making sure that plan B will succeed. I’m not going to know the results yet, not until March 31, 2009. Anyhow, I spent so much money and so much paper (one-sided print! T-T) and so much energy trying to secure Plan B.

Plan A succeeds.

I should be over the moon, right?

No, I ranted to myself about how I shouldn’t have wasted so much money on Plan B. Well, even though the amount of money I had to spend altogether was outrageous, it was a contingency plan – a very important one, because Plan A may have very well failed. I somehow can’t learn to accept that. I blogged about my input in everything being not worth the output I receive, but I always forget the fact that contingency plans provide security and certainty, two of the things I dearly require in my life.

So, I’m going to try to slowly teach myself to understand how the law of thermodynamics apply to my life.

God bless my soul.

———————————–

Anyway, a bit about Randy’s book.  found the first three quarters of the book very boring, and I didn’t really like this book as a whole. Actually, I don’t really like reading this kind of book because it’s always written by some super human being who has achieved to come to terns with his life – someone who is extranordinary in more ways than one. Well, I’m not there yet. Everyone loves people who succeed, but what about losers? Underachievers? Failures? I wanna read about how losers have come to accept themselves as who they are, because acceptance is something I struggle with on a daily basis. Furthermore, the futureis uncertain and I might very well become a loser. Being content and loving yourself when you suck are feats that not many people can achieve.
 

0124 – Is ignorance bliss?

"And very often, the truth hurts. I mean, people say they want the truth. But, do they really?"

Meridith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

Grey’s quotes are often razaor-sharp and capable of provoking further thoughts. I love them so very much.

Do you really want the truth. Do you? DO YOU?

To me, that is just an unanswerable question. I generally prefer to shun anything that will cause upset or conflicts, and I keep everything in side. That way, the pain is minimized. The truth that doesn’t unveil itself will remain veiled, inside me.

Yet, sometimes, as an adult, it is one’s responsibility to discover the truth, to know the truth, and to demand the truth. For without the truth, mutual understanding and eternal reconciliation are practically impossible. No matter how badly you hate the truth, you have to realize that the truth is what matters. I really sometimes prefer to just hide in a outer shell that would ‘supposedly’ protect me from all the calamities of our cruel world. But it doesn’t. It wouldn’t, and it never will. The shell I sometimes create just close my eyes to the stark reality of the situation, and it makes me unsophisticated. Until I can learn to handle the truth, I will not be a complete adult.

Even recently, I still try to block away the truth when it is revealed to me. The thought of me, and those around me, trying to come to terms with the facts horrifies me.

I guess it is this kind of challenging decisions that one has to make everyday that allows one to cross the finish line of ‘adulthood’, a place worthy to be after the arduous journey of maturation.

0123 – The World of Tarot


Spiritual enlightenment, inner illumination, hidden power. Link between seen and unseen. Balance of positive and negative forces. Receptivity. Unseen guidance.
A young woman sits on a throne holding a scroll labeled "Tora" meaning "law." On her breast is the sign of the meeting of heaven and earth, the Maltese cross. Her crown is the full orb supported by horns, the crown ofthe Mother Goddess Isis, who rules all things changeable, shown by the moon at her feet. Her power, upon which her throne rests, derives from the creative principle of duality, shown by the two pillars of light and darkness. To those who know and love her she dispenses the sweet fruit of the world itself, symbolized by the pomegranites.

Well, according to that website, I am The High Priestess. A card which has showed up three times – three times – in three readings I’ve done about myself. Three out of three. Dismiss it if you wish, but I always maintain the notion: If you don’t believe, then don’t disparage.

I’ve only been into Tarot for like a week, and so far I think it’s going well. Helps me to clarify my life, helps me to see the direction my life is heading in. Well, I’m an amateur so I really have no idea what I interpret will come true, but only time will tell. The Tarot’s culture is rich and supermassively intricate and enigmatic. And something that’s awfully hard to master too!

I don’t know if I can comprehend this ‘experience’ I am having. It goes against my logic in science and reality. The believers of Tarot cite ‘intuition’ and ‘inner consciousness’, which may actually exist, as a source of ideas and interpretations. Interesting.

I guess there really is the power of faith. Sometimes, we insist we’re right, no matter how wrong uncertain we are. That’s faith, ain’t it?
Well, faith isn’t a basis for facts, but though claims through faith may not be right, it isn’t wrong either, for ‘wrong’ isn’t necessarily on the opposite end of ‘right’.

I do have a lot of faith. In religions, and in things unhidden. I believe in the power of everything. The hidden energy in the Tarot cards, the unseen influence of the stars on our lives, the influence of our name on our personality, the power of numbers. Superstitious, perhaps. But from personal experience, what I believe in relate to my reality. These enigmas are funny; they tend to reveal themselves to only the believers.

Well, I dunno what to say. Free readings when I see you! (If you allow yourself to be my guinea pigs :))

And isn’t it interesting. this was a spontaneous post. And look at the post number. 0-1-2-3. Coincidence?

I say Nahhhhh.

0121 – Yes, chief?

Oh Gee… Just as I want to post this, LJ goes under maintenance.

And Oh Gee Geena Davis, your portrayal of Mackenzie Allen in Commander in Chief is top-notch. You rock!

I just watch a couple of episodes from the series featuring the fictional first ‘Madame President’, Mackenzie Allen, of the Uninted States. I tried to search for a nice clip from YouTube, but found ’embarrasing moments of Bush’ instead. lol.

Have you ever thought of being President? Or maybe someone great – somebody who the world looks up to?

I mean, some people say they shy away from the limelight, but who doesn’t want fame and respect? To me, it’s the case of whether you’re natural at it, or you’re not; just like what Becca, the daughter, said in the series.

It must feel good to be in charge and to be appreciated. The episode I watched today was one in which President Allen prevented the country from a nuclear war with North Korea. Big decisions made around the clock. The brain put under pressure 24 hours a day. Conflicts, fights, compromises, disagreements, politics. Oh, boy. I can’t imagine being in her shoes.

Moreover, it’s tough for the family too. With their mommy gone and with the media ready to attack them once they falter, their lives change forever. Now I’m starting to pity the young Obamas. They must feel uncomfortable. Not even their father, who sacrificed his time for the country, would understand the sacrifice that his daughters made for their daddy. Yet, it’s one sacrifice that they would cherish once they age; they will remember how great their daddy was, and they will cry, out of pride that they are Obamas.

The decisions we make everyday affect others in way we’d never imagine. How can we make everyone happy at the same time? That’s not possible. Part of coexisting peacefully together in this world manifest mutual sacrifices. To acknowledge that maybe we don’t need help as much as the farmers, or maybe that we should try to help others instead of always thinking about ourselves all the time, is the act of a citizen worthy of a place in this crowded crowded world.

Maybe I don’t deserve this place, do I? Am I doing anything right? Am I making sacrifices? I guess I’ll never be comfortable with all these questions, because we have an inherent, embedded dark side – or according to Jung, the ‘shadow’ that we choose to ignore. (more about that to come in the next post – I’m reading Tarot now!) Never mind about worldly demons – there are too many for me. Until I can conquer my inner demons, I won’t feel that I deserve to be here.

I have no idea why Americans don’t like Commander-in-Chief. Ratings keep falling and falling until the last episodes, which were primarily dealing with the ERA. WHY? Men stop watching? ERA should trigger media interests! So, this series ends just after one season with a cliffhanger. I won’t know if the ERA gets passed. sad. I feel sad. SAD. I hate cliffhangers. LOL.

Anyway, this series has shed many lights for me in terms of the challenges of the presidential team. As if dealing with personal problems isn’t enough, they have to deal with the staffing issues, the media, foreign policy, economy, domestic policy and God knows what. Being President would be cool, but I can’t pull it off. People who can are truly geniuses and sharp-witted men that form a rare minority in our world.

So…. I’ll say…  Give the President a break. He can’t make 183 good decisions everyday! And remember, sacrifice.

(Oh, you may still laugh at Bush. I’ll gladly join you.)

I think my entries now miss a vital element that I fail to grasp. It seems so distant to me. So mundane, so normal. I don’t like it at all. God this is killing me.