0139 – Analyzing yourself.

I am a believer in mystical and paranormal influences on one’s personality. As a Scorpio, inward looking and soul-searching are always something I constantly do. I believe that the influences do not come only from the planets and stars, but from our name as well. Yes, name. I think when we’re given a name, the name becomes our identity and we absorb the energy of the name. Thus, the meaning of one’s name affects one’s personality. This is just what I think anyway.

But… the influence that comes from one’s name is small in comparison to that of his birthday, because obviously all the planets and stars have a tremendous amount of energy. Furthermore, I think the level of consciousness we have also leads to us trying to change the way we behave. After all, if we have the willpower or the right stimulus, change will come. We are given a lot of space to move ourselves. The reason not one single person behave and/or think in the same way is because the horoscope doesn’t pinpoint an exact behavorial pattern, but rather constructs a large field in which the person born under that horoscope belongs to. That person will then move about randomly, out of the field even (if one has that ability to change himself completely), changing their personality in the process.

So… I’m trying to find out where I belong on this personality field. It’s a tough process. I don’t understand myself yet. What about you, do you know who you truly are?

0138 – Random thoughts No. 2

– I can’t allow myself to think in a connected lengthy manner; i might get emo.
– I wanna be an adult already. I wanna be able to shop for house deco stuff, car, formal wear, and whatever stuff that adults need. I want I want.
– I also wanna design my own house in the future. I’m very excited by the thought. It’ll have a garden for sure. and a mini-waterfall. you know those slow flowing stream of water with artificial wood and all that. I’m gonna plant Queen of Dracaenia! 🙂
– Fear is a fearful thing. I’m in fear.
– We’re all given vices. Trying to overcome them is hard. Really really hard.
– Yawn. Life is boring. There’s no intellectual stimulation now. =) I wanna go universitayyyyyyyyyyyyy.
– Why is Bangkok so goddamn polluted. DAMN IT!
– I am wondering how many people actually played their parts during Earth Hour. Fingers crossed for 80% of the world. Think the number’s gonna be disappointing though.
– I look forward to April 1st. Wahahahhahahahaha.
– I wanna go backpacking to many many places. Australia! New Zealand! UK! If only I had the money 😦
– I’ve been very very stressed about which laptop will I buy. Sony or Dell?
– I miss my friends!
– Politics is turning into war. It wasn’t before. I long for a time where everyone has respect (not love, that’s too big an ask) for each other and the opposition party works to polish the work of the government.
– I wish there are no more tsunamis and volcanic eruptions and floods and droughts. We’re fortunate not to be hit by any of those.
– Life is not fair. People who’re not born smart can never be the top of the class. Yet, some people never study and become the top of the class.
– Kim Cijsters is coming back! She’s a very nice lady 🙂
– I’m addicted to a Facebook game. lol. This is pathetic. hahahahaha.

0137 – Random thoughts

– Weee my favorite restaurant was just renovated and it looks sooo inviting now. It’s a Japanese restaurant called Fuji. They have the best Pork Yakiniku and Gindara Teriyaki in the worldddddd. Totally happy. I need to go there again. Before I leave for the States.
– Serena and Venus landed on the same side. Pissed.
– Got angry at an online friend. Pissed.
– Do you think that one is selfish if one holds his breath when passing through a bunch of smokers? I do. lol. it’s weird really. I think it’s unfair to the environment, and to the other people around by not sharing the toxicants. But I still blatantly squeeze my nose anyway – to try and tell those buggers that they’re ruining my life, and to self-protect. I’m selfish.
– I would really like to crack Thai jokes here. But nobody would understand. Sad.
– I hate forgetting what I wanna say.
– I have no idea where my life is heading right now I’m so pissed off.
– I’m very volatile and edgy today.
– I am looking forward to a relaxing life.
– But uncertainty is the only certainty and I can’t relax amidst uncertainty.
– Especially university admission results. They’re killing me. Colleges are rejecting me. I am depressed. What if I don’t get innnn to nice nice collegeee 😦
– These are exactly why I really prefer to live my online life.

0136 – 'Virtual' life a second life?

Inspired by the LJ Writer’s Block question which goes something like ‘Do you behave the same way online as you do in real life?’

My answer is… No.

I spend as much time, if not more, living a virtual life as I do coping with reality. And I love my virtual life.

Calling it ‘virtual life’ seems a bit strange because a virtual life is another life for me you know, which kinda makes it un-virtual. You probably don’t need to guess which life I love more!

Whenever reality strikes, I can always find comfort in the virtual world, where everything seems to be more certain, friendly and approachable; and also less cruel, scrutinizing and open. I can choose to conceal what I want, and expose the side that the world probably prefers to see. When real life sources of comfort desert me, I can always rely on my virtual friends. I can just laugh and joke around and forget about all my problems. I can lower my guard and just love them for their effervescent and carefree personality. I don’t need to worry if they’re gonna attack. I love my virtual friends BECAUSE MY VIRTUAL FRIENDS ARE BLOODY AWESOME THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

I’ve come to the point that going online to play is almost a daily necessity; life feels incomplete without that. Virtual life is the life!

If only real life is as uncomplicated to deal with. Mannnn.

So… Do you behave the same way online as you do in real life???

And woohoo to Nadal.

0135 – The inevitable

Looks like my brain thrives the most during strife.

Believe it or not, there’ll always be something you can’t control. Destiny, luck and time govern our lives. The best one can do is to make sure we are prepared to fight whatever is thrown at us. Sometimes the inevitable is there for a reason. It’s there for us to evolve.

One may wonder why is one being ‘gifted’ with such strife. I used ‘gifted’ because strife is a gift really; you learn from them and you’re never too old to learn. Nobody wants strife, but we have no choice. It’s inevitable. It always seem initially so horrifying, so interminable, so scarring, so indelible that you really want to run away. But no! That’s not what we’re born to do. We’re born to fight! Some people have it better by being mature when strife tackles them. Some people learn the hard way when strife attacks when they’re so naive and young and helpless. I feel sorry for those people. (Read Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha. It’s a bloody awesome book!) Every figment of thought and array of emotions are woven into a spirit, uniquely so I might add. I like to believe that there is the fighter capability within every spirit; we can fight. We sometimes just decide to run away instead. One can run deep inside and suffer excruciating emotional trauma, or one may run away physically to a land far far away, carrying a cumbersome and permanently scarred heart with him forever. Neither option does render the inevitable avertible.

It’s really hard for me because I know it’s easier than me, and I know this is probably for the best. Yet for another tender being so naive, I cannot help but desultorily questioning whether she deserves this. We are not to question; we are to accept and learn.

Everyday you see people suffering from absolute poverty, people suffering from AIDS, people lacking sanitation, people being bought as slaves. You know you have a better life than them, but you don’t really care – yes, believe me, you don’t really care – because they’re not suffering the same fate as you are. But when you have someone, a little less sophisticated perhaps, besides you going through the same thing but suffering worse, you suddenly realize that your ‘life is not fair’ rant is bullshit and nonsensical and that life is never fair.

So, the inevitable… will always be inevitable. Life is too short for interminable complaints. Learning how to cope with the inevitable. That is the key.

May we be blessed with strength and clarity of mind.

And I hope… that all will turn out well.

Sighhh. I will pray. I don’t normally pray for things to happen because I think we really have to help ourselves, but sometimes, we need divine strength for us to pull through. A little faith won’t hurt.

To cap off with one of the best quotes:

‘There’s no shop that sells kindness; you must build it from within. You can transplant hearts, but you cannot transplant a warm heart’

The Dalai Lama

0133 – Learning to accept.

In those personality tests, I always chose the option that goes something like ‘I always strongly defend my opinion.’ That translates to ‘I am stubborn and I think I’m right.’

I have very strong, independent views. I don’t like ceremonies and traditions. I don’t like people who ask too many questions, yet I don’t like people who don’t plan well enough. I don’t like people who don’t care about the environment. I don’t like people who criticize me. I don’t like the way Buddhists go to temple only when they have bad luck. That’s just not right!

One thing I think everyone will agree to is the fact that every being is unique. Unfortunately or otherwise, diversity is a frequent corollary of uniqueness. We do things differently. People’s opinions differ. We have different pet peeves. We are passionate about different things. Our abilities to bargain differ as well. lol. Lastly, but nowhere near the least, people are given different degrees of tolerance.

So sometimes diversity is good. It invites you into a whole new world unseen in your own perspective. Getting to look at things at a different light can be a life-changer. Forcing oneself to, perhaps just momentarily at first, accept the notion that one’s opinion is wrong fuels up this desire to prove oneself – a desire full of power, full of determination. Something potent, really. That’s because man is always the strongest when his dignity, and passion (which to me includes love) is at risk. Then, with the realization that you’re in fact wrong, the whole fire dims and fizzles away, leaving an embarrassed, stunned and bruised ego. Astonishingly, I don’t stop there. I continue to believe that I’m right. Though I can’t convince others, I remain steadfast in my belief. Such is the faith I have in my mind.

Naturally as an I-am-always-right kind of guy it’s gonna irk me when I see people doing things the way I don’t want them to be done. As for those different cultures and ideologies, they are of course interesting and nice to know about. But for those that I’m familiar with, I find it extremely hard to fathom different ways and opinions people take. I never really tried to force my ideals onto others, because I respect the freedom of choice. I just find it impossible to find a point in actions and opinions that are, to me, pointless.

What do I do in this kind of situation? My mind is now left addled and heavy. Now I ask for strength. I will find strength. I need strength to love everyone. I need strength to value difference of opinions and beliefs. I need strength to love to be a part of this diverse world.

Because diversity is a delicately perplexing issue, and without diversity, life would be lackluster and utterly boring you would almost wish you are dead.

Love. Let’s love.

0131 – Most potent enemy.

For me, that’s easy. Time. What’s yours?

The concept of time has rather unhinged, perplexed, infuriated and demoralized me. In our world, it seems that time conquers our lives. We got obsessed about age, we get obsessed about making the appointment on time, we have deadlines to meet. EVERYTHING has a time limit. If you’ve gone through a day without checking the time even once, you’re the most awesome human being ever. Seems to me we’re still powerless against time. I don’t see a time machine anywhere yet.

Anyway, that’s besides the point. My point is… How important is the concept of time?

Everything runs on a tight, rigid schedule. We have timetables. We have daily planners, be it a physical diary or just plain ol’ memory. Commitments are inserted slot by slot into the daily planner. And now with the world rushing ever faster, we get mad if a guy comes late for ten minutes. For Pete’s sake. Time is ruining our personality.

When commitments clash, I very much get pissed. I’m the kind of person who likes the jigsaw puzzles of my life to fit perfectly, translating into my need for certainty and clarity of future.

And how does one get a clearly laid out future?

Time management.

So yes, time has consumed me. I’m obsessed with trying to make my life certain. Well, if my timetable is the world, then the devil is certainly the schedule conflicts – and they have no ways to be solved. They often arise at the last minute, leaving me stunned and dejected; and my future plans ruined. The thing is most people will just go ‘oh okay whatever I’ll reschedule that here and I’ll just remove that.’ But I can’t. I don’t like removing things.

Everyday I check my watch to see if I’m progressing on track. I check my watch to see if the this bank/that office/that store have closed. I check my watch to see if I should start getting ready for my next commitment. I’m always checking the time!

And I’m fed up of it.

Now, I’m going to imagine the world without the man-made concept of time. No more 24 hour clocks. No more time recording pieces of any kind. No more.

Tell you what, I can’t. It will fail. People will get frustrated at not being able to set any sort of meeting up properly, and the 24 hour clock will be invented anyhow.

So it seems like time is very much integral, and indispensable, in my life.

So what do I do?

A book called Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse advocates the notion of timelessness; everything is interconnected as one. there is no present, no past, no future.

On the other hand, Buddhist teachings imply that time is, and will always be, a part of our life. And we humans are ‘attached’ to the concept of time. Learning to conquer time is one of the things devoted Buddhists try to achieve.

So, I’m going to try and break my ‘attachment to time’. That’s gotta take a lot of time. You see, time is playing with me again.

Learning how to live without thinking too much about time will be difficult.

Still, I wonder… I wonder what will happen if everyone doesn’t care so much about time.

I sometimes wonder what life in the 20s/30s is like. Is it a time when humans have all the time in the world and there is totally no rush and we can just wait all day for an appointment?

That’d certainly be a nice period to live in.

I need strength. I need mental strength to overcome time.

0130 – What has our world evolve into?

Why are planes/flying objects (just to include that helicopter) crashing every few days!

Watching the news is rather somber. Totally off-putting.

Swindling money… Teenager killing children… Abuses… Genocides… Kidnaps….

Aren’t there any good news in this world?

(Incidentally, I happen to think that CNN reporters joking with each other during their news broadcasts are cute. CNN > BBC anytime. I never like BBC. Besides, the CNN broadcast is clearer at my place. HAHAHAH)

With all these, I wonder how I can resist the urge to run away.

Life’s been hard. Extreme boredom is hard to handle, believe it or not. Extreme dullness and I-have-nothing-to-do syndrome hurt me emotionally more than anyone else. I can’t bear the pain of wastage. Maybe it’s a Scorpio thing (I tend to use that as an excuse a lot.) or maybe it’s just me.

One thing for certain, I’ve possessed that Scorpio desire for independence. I hate not being to travel out on my own. I hate relying on other people to help me. So, for once, I tried to take the Thai public bus. Boy it was an experience. I was literally crammed from all sides, squeezed into a space in which I can’t even move my feet. lol. And sometimes the handrails aren’t enough for balance. It’s an art form. lol. There should be a course on ‘how to balance yourself on a public bus’. Anyway, an hour later, I got off, all hot and sweaty. I then thought "Boy if this is the kind of life the not-so-rich Thais lead, they certainly have it the rough way."

Endurance and acceptance are what’s required of us humans. We need to learn how to accept our way of life, learn how to heal our own wounds, learn how to move on. And if you’re down, you’re not god so you cannot just go and kill 18 people just because you are ‘fed up of life’! Bloody hell!

Such egos we have. Killing 18 people to satiate your emotional stress? What has our world evolve into?

Hope is so so so dim. Perhaps I can forgive myself for not seeing hope at all. The light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away.

All I ask, or hope rather,… is for everyone to care about others. Just a little bit, because we humans can’t bear to not care about themselves. Just a little bit. Think of others.

Anyway, what difference does it make? I’m just an 18-year-old teen. I’m not a perfect guy. I’m mean, I’m egocentric, I have targets for myself, I’m selfish. But I do try my very very best not to hurt anyone in my endeavors.

Hope. Oh I wish I can hope.

0129 – Running away from it all

After a prolonged absence from blogging, trying to blog again seems near-impossible. The mental block, the lack of clarity, the perpetual confusion make this ever more challenging.

Running Away From It All… It’s never easy to stand and face life’s challenges. It’s almost an instinct that one chooses the path with the least resistance. Even electricity does so. Fluids do so. What difference do they have to humans like us? We like comfort, easiness, simplicity. Perhaps the phrase "Seek simplicity and distrust it" does not merely refer to the fact that simplicity never encompasses and fails to consider the nuances in our lives, but also to the obscure truth that simplicity never really does us any good. Let you walk freely, and you learn nothing. Let you walk over traps and mines, you learn how to watch yourself.

Alas, how can we overcome the inherent instinct to seek simplicity? It’s one thing to say it, it’s another to actually do so. Some of us suffer hysteria from the very sight of obstacles, be them emotional, physical or perhaps virtual. Overcoming the intense fear is but momentous. Courage, wisdom, clarity, humility – each of them difficult to obtain on its own – are perhaps some of the traits required to know when to tackle, and when to run away.

Running away isn’t all that bad. Running buys time. Running gives you the opportunity to introspect and explore your heart, your instincts, your deep deep fear and restlessness that won’t go away. Running away makes you realize that you’re running in the wrong direction. Running away allows you to deliberate how it is best to tackle whatever you ran away from.

However, don’t run for too long. Time and tide don’t wait so long!

Should I run?

——————————————————-

Mannn. Just as I thought my blog was starting to look like one of a 19-year-old carelessly enjoying living life. lol. Maybe I don’t want it to look like that. but making it looks like this gives me a very cumbersome emotional burden.