Well, I have something I want you to read. Should you choose to do so, you will see a whole another side of me that only a few people actually know. This post is going to be a very long, and perhaps incongruent, one because I am still seeking the answer while writing this. Yet, this might be my best take on what’s (my) life’s all about yet. If you choose to read this, you probably find out more about me than I will ever reveal in real life.
Most of you think of me as the guy who’s happy all the time. That’s not the case at all. You see, I’m a thinker – a proud one at that too. Some of you who’re thinkers might know that depression and anxiety come with overthinking. I might be suffering from existential depression, but who cares. I’m a thinker. I value my life for my thoughts. I think about everything possible. I think about why I am here. Why I am doing this. Why am I feeling this way. What can I do in the future. What’s the point of life?
So last week I had about 30 hours of sleep the whole week trying to cram for my exam. It was the worst week of my entire life, now filled with stress – and coffee. I wanted to give up.
I don’t believe in our education system. We come here, spend countless sleep-deprived nights studying for exams, bear the pain and boredom for four years, get out to work, then what? That’s life. People’ve been telling me that they only use about ten percent of what they studied when they work. It’s downright absurd. In my 4 years of lectures, we can only use ten percent. Just great. I’m not learning anything in the class either. I’m going to forget all I learn two semesters later.
You might argue that we all need to get a degree to succeed in the professional world and make good money. Very true. Our society equates an academic degree with success. That’s life. Go to school, get a good degree, then work. Now, what do you really get out of these 4 years of labor? Most certainly you forget what you learn, most of which you won’t need in the real world. So why bother?
The societal pressure is the only thing that keeps me going. I wanna be good. No, I wanna great. I wanna be recognized. I wanna do well and be the best. I choose my grades over my health. I choose writing a paper over chilling out. With great reluctance I have to say that I am a conformist. I follow the society’s prescribed path of life. I do not have the courage to take the road less taken. I don’t know where it leads to. Instead, I follow the norm. As much as I want to be a non-conformist, I can’t; there’s too much pressure.
So where am I going from here?
I ask questions. I keep asking them. There are no answers. Merely questions. I don’t know where I’m heading. I don’t know who I wanna be. I don’t know what I wanna do.
I laugh because it’s better to laugh than to be pissed. I smile because it’s better to smile than to pout. I joke because it’s better to joke than be depressed. Yet, deep inside, I think all the time. I get sad. I get pissed. I get depressed. My life is full of misery. BUT. Do not pity me. Do not feel sad for me. I’d hate that. I am who I am, and I will be who I turn out to be. If you wanna talk to me about life, the purpose of life and the wrongs of our world, do it, because I love it.
I am lost in life. I have no answers, but I’ll keep asking questions. We need more questions. We need more people to start questioning to fix this corrupt world.
I’m going to keep doing what I’ve been doing. and I’m going to keep asking questions.
Not gonna stop.
P.S. This is my take on education. So much more to say, if you’re willing to hear.