0205 – Obsessed with the past

Let’s recall what I said in #198 – I don’t particularly cling to the past.

Who am I kidding??

The ‘chosen’ past sticks with me forever. I’m not necessarily the chooser here. My brain does that for me. It chooses to remember the moment that defines the character, the moment that hurts the most, and the moment that gives you joy. Sadly, my brain doesn’t really remember joy very well. It just doesn’t. It’s not my choice. I get exasperated by the things I did without careful consideration. I get bogged down by the ‘what-if’s all the time. I am obsessed with the past.

It is probably a common perception that one should look ahead make the best of today. Today becomes the past tomorrow. And tomorrow will soon become the past. Then the past sometimes slips into oblivion, unseen and unheard of ever again.

I sometimes get intrigued by the proposition that time is an illusion, a mere man-made concept. Everything is omniscient and universal if we look hard enough. Seems impossible, doesn’t it? But you know, sometimes with the past lingering with me so much, I wonder if it can be true. I sometimes have episodes of flashbacks to different moments in my life – moments that sometimes make me grin and moments that make me wonder why.

I’d never understand time. I hate it, but I can’t live without it. It controls my life. Even when it already passed, it manifests in my mind and still manages to haunt me.

There’re a lot of people who told me ‘I sometimes wish I’m as smart as you’ or ‘I kinda wish I’m more like you’ or ‘You’re so smart I’m so jealous’. Now I’m telling you, don’t be. please. it’s not so beautiful. What you see is not the whole puzzle. There’re pieces, remnants and shrapnels of emotions, stress, anxiety, hatred, jealousy, depression, and so much more. I miss out so much of my childhood, friendship and my social life, and I believe if I know what those things mean, I’d never trade them for anything else. Being smart and hardworking has its rewards sometimes, but you all should treasure what you have, because whatever they are, I’m sure they’re special.

We humans are never satisfied with our lives, but we can sure as hell try.

I’ve been trying, nineteen years and counting.


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