0190 – Where to go from here? Part 1

Well, I have something I want you to read. Should you choose to do so, you will see a whole another side of me that only a few people actually know. This post is going to be a very long, and perhaps incongruent, one because I am still seeking the answer while writing this. Yet, this might be my best take on what’s (my) life’s all about yet. If you choose to read this, you probably find out more about me than I will ever reveal in real life.

Most of you think of me as the guy who’s happy all the time. That’s not the case at all. You see, I’m a thinker – a proud one at that too. Some of you who’re thinkers might know that depression and anxiety come with overthinking. I might be suffering from existential depression, but who cares. I’m a thinker. I value my life for my thoughts. I think about everything possible. I think about why I am here. Why I am doing this. Why am I feeling this way. What can I do in the future. What’s the point of life?

So last week I had about 30 hours of sleep the whole week trying to cram for my exam. It was the worst week of my entire life, now filled with stress – and coffee. I wanted to give up.

I don’t believe in our education system. We come here, spend countless sleep-deprived nights studying for exams, bear the pain and boredom for four years, get out to work, then what? That’s life. People’ve been telling me that they only use about ten percent of what they studied when they work. It’s downright absurd. In my 4 years of lectures, we can only use ten percent. Just great. I’m not learning anything in the class either. I’m going to forget all I learn two semesters later.

You might argue that we all need to get a degree to succeed in the professional world and make good money. Very true. Our society equates an academic degree with success. That’s life. Go to school, get a good degree, then work. Now, what do you really get out of these 4 years of labor? Most certainly you forget what you learn, most of which you won’t need in the real world. So why bother?

The societal pressure is the only thing that keeps me going. I wanna be good. No, I wanna great. I wanna be recognized. I wanna do well and be the best. I choose my grades over my health. I choose writing a paper over chilling out. With great reluctance I have to say that I am a conformist. I follow the society’s prescribed path of life. I do not have the courage to take the road less taken. I don’t know where it leads to. Instead, I follow the norm. As much as I want to be a non-conformist, I can’t; there’s too much pressure.

So where am I going from here?

I ask questions. I keep asking them. There are no answers. Merely questions. I don’t know where I’m heading. I don’t know who I wanna be. I don’t know what I wanna do.

I laugh because it’s better to laugh than to be pissed. I smile because it’s better to smile than to pout. I joke because it’s better to joke than be depressed. Yet, deep inside, I think all the time. I get sad. I get pissed. I get depressed. My life is full of misery. BUT. Do not pity me. Do not feel sad for me. I’d hate that. I am who I am, and I will be who I turn out to be. If you wanna talk to me about life, the purpose of life and the wrongs of our world, do it, because I love it.

I am lost in life. I have no answers, but I’ll keep asking questions. We need more questions. We need more people to start questioning to fix this corrupt world.

I’m going to keep doing what I’ve been doing. and I’m going to keep asking questions.

Not gonna stop.

P.S. This is my take on education. So much more to say, if you’re willing to hear.


15 thoughts on “0190 – Where to go from here? Part 1

  1. scentimental August 27, 2007 / 2:25 pm

    don’t worry! you guys will do your iops just fine! (:
    i believe in you’ll!
    you speak english okay whatttt.
    heh. tennis is so different from squash larh!

    • existentiallife August 27, 2007 / 2:45 pm

      ofcourse la!!!
      i ❤ tennis.
      for the time being.
      confirm next time play lousy one. lol.

  2. Anonymous November 9, 2007 / 6:03 pm

    update you madman.

  3. Anonymous February 8, 2008 / 4:35 am

    PETE I LOVE YOU! haha

  4. girlspell February 14, 2010 / 2:59 am

    You can’t take the road less traveled. You know that. You’ll have to take the highway. To get a decent job you’re going to need (at the very least) A BS. You will have to get Masters too. Doesn’t matter if it’s here or Thailand. You’re social life is just as important as your grades. You will need to network to get a good job, later on. The degree does not sing alone. Most people don’t really know for a long time what exactly they want to do. It will come with time. Yes, a good portion of what you learn, you will forget or not need. But it comes with the territory. There will be kernel of truth there. Helps you later on.
    It’s very rough now. I remember vividly cramming for exams so much, I was ill during the exam. I remember some of my friends taking so called “smart” pills (Riddeline…a medicine to help children with attention deficit disorders…helps you concentrate)during exam weeks. So keep on questioning, but don’t ask anyone. There are no answers.

    • existentiallife February 14, 2010 / 3:02 am

      Wow is that like.. illegal? I know my friends take caffeine pills, but that just takes pill-taking to a whole new level

      • girlspell February 14, 2010 / 3:12 am

        It’s a legal drug. You get it through a prescription. It’s illegal in the sense they get the doctor to prescribe them, when they don’t have attention deficit disorder. Think of it as a super caffeine pill. I didn’t take them. They were around during my time and around now at school. I was always afraid of taking any kind of drug with or without a prescription. Many doctors will give you pill on any kind of complaint. These are legal drugs that don’t really harm you, unless you become dependent on them. Look, things are rough, I won’t lie to you, but most students make it fine without those pills. It’ll actually get easier later on. A Masters is nothing compared what you went through in the beginning.

      • existentiallife February 14, 2010 / 3:15 am

        haha people’ve been telling me that it’s only gonna be more difficult.. then i go ‘ughhh’.
        and snow’s bad too! heard u guys had a really bad snowstorm?

      • girlspell February 14, 2010 / 3:22 am

        Yes, we got clobbered. Two intense storms in three days. First one dumped 31″ of snow on us (79 cm). The second one dumped 28″ (72 cm) All within days of each other. UMBC was closed for a week. Monday will be first time back at school since late past Friday afternoon, when it started to snow. These are the storms that New England usually gets. Well we got them. Whiteout conditions, howling winds, brutal cold, snow, snow, snow, endless snow. Maryland looks like a maze with one lane clearing of roads around huge towers of snow shoveled. Needless to say I hope to never see snow again. Sadly, on Monday afternoon there is a chance of snow. Nothing much only about 7″ (18cm)

      • existentiallife February 14, 2010 / 3:42 am

        wow that is bad. i’ve been lucky. first winter here and it’s been unusually ‘warm’, relatively. we havent gotten that much snow yet, and i hope we never do 😛

  5. rummy333 February 14, 2010 / 6:25 am

    Education supposedly makes you smarter. Yes, no? I think in class we learn something that we can’t learn by ourselves (unless we are those kind of genius who can read any texts and perfectly comprehend everything) or something we otherwise wouldn’t learn in the first place.
    We are gonna use 10% of what we study when we work, so what? Are we better off equipped with those 90% that we can’t use in our work? I’d like to think that I am better off – to think that once I knew what I knew…
    You’re smart and you work hard. That’s awesome – like seriously, not many people can be like you (trust me -.-). Rather that thinking that education is a responsibility, why not shift the mindset a little bit? Try to look at education as a means to attain knowledge, and, well, they do say knowledge is power, don’t they? I mean, if education can get you to think the way you do, obviously it’s not so worthless?
    Why does the societal pressure keep pushing us towards the direction of good education? Even if it’s a much less significant part, I think the society too recognizes the merits of education itself, not only of what goods or wealth it can bring us in the future. Be proud of yourself! I’m sure your family is super proud of you too. You might have to work hard now, but at least you have the mental and physical capability to do so. Isn’t that a blessing to count already? 😉
    P.S. I took fish oil and vitamins during CCA season and exams. Better than other kind of pills I suppose ^^” and surprisingly it kinda worked for my prelim! ^^ You can try it too na! Vitamins are definitely good for your health.
    P.S.2 I’m willing to hear more ka!

    • rummy333 February 14, 2010 / 6:26 am

      Ooh Happy CNY and V Day na ka!! :))

  6. werewold February 14, 2010 / 6:49 pm

    to me, an education isn’t about how much you quantitatively know in the end, but a qualitative measure instead. it’s the soft skills and persevering and shit you go through like 30hours-of-sleep-weeks that propel you to greatness someday somehow somewhere in the near future haha. HANG IN THERE! (ok fine i know i’m not even in college yet, what right do i have huh hahaha)
    but yea anyway, i hope you have been just fine 🙂 happy chinese valentine’s new year! may you find true love and happyness all that cheesy cliches along the way HAHA.

    • existentiallife February 14, 2010 / 7:56 pm

      CLIFTON YEO. Surprise surprise. Long time no see
      Well yeah but aren’t there other ways to get ‘educated’ then? Do we really have to repeat the whole process over and over again and worsen our health and increase our stress? To me, what makes you succeed in life is not what you learn in the classroom, but what you choose to do outside the classroom, i.e. extracurricular activities and whatnot. And you can commit to that without the late nights and high stress.
      happy chinese valentine’s new year to you too! Hope you already found true love 😛

      • werewold February 16, 2010 / 10:21 am

        hahaha yea long time no see. i actually have another site floating around somewhere someplace heh.
        well with regards to repeating, maybe its ‘practice makes perfect’ haha. or rather you’re thrown into different circumstances and situations, acquiring diff types of knowledge and all. i guess its never easy as a one-shot clear all thing. (omg i should just write a commonapp why-study-in-the-US essay now huh) education’s for life, and life’s a bitch….so… hahaha.
        and and and and what makes you think work next time would be any less stressful or health degrading hah! aiya hang in there. you’re only in year 0.75 HAHA.
        wah eh i’ll find true love when you do la ahahha. hope you’re doing good!

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