0294 – The Sound of Impatience

People honk like crazy around here. That drives me crazy. It’s the sound of impatience that drives up my frustration. Why do people need to honk? It’s supposedly the norm here, but is that necessary? Looks like I totally skipped over the honeymoon phase in this culture shock. Anxiety is in full effect.

But to say that’s the cause of my unhappiness is to mask a fundamental underlying problem: me. It’s really been quite a battle. Even as I work with The Happiness Initiative, even as I did an independent study on happiness and sustainability, even as I learn positive psychology, even as I try and try to be mindful of what makes me happy, happiness has eluded me. I would give myself a 2 out of a 10. And that’s terrible. I would like to take this moment to shout out to those who are battling depression right now. I cannot even imagine how hard it is. You are so strong. Keep fighting. Hang in there.

I’m probably not the only person who feels like he shouldn’t be sad because he’s so fortunate to be where he is today and have what he has right now. Yet, sorrow doesn’t vanish overnight.

As I plunge deeper into despair, instead of worrying about my health, I worry about my decreased productivity. Like a true workaholic.

Instead of taking the time off, I work some more. I still lack the courage to do what is best for me.

At some point in your life, you’ll get the feeling that you’re cornered with nowhere to go. You wish a door would just appear that would just take you on a path far away from this unpleasant place.

At 21 and entering my final year of college, I’m in the prime of my quarter-life crisis. Where do I go from here?

I think about my varied interests and how I see no direction. I always say that I now trust life enough that it will take me to the right places, but sometimes, I lose that trust. I’m vulnerable.

I wonder if I’m making an impact, and I tell myself that I am not. Sometimes, I look at the rockstar social entrepreneurs, the inspirational speakers, the thought leaders of our society, and those close to me who get recognition, and I wish I am one of those. Sometimes, I want to be popular. Sometimes, I wish I would just conform with the system and rise to the top in there. I betray myself.

I’m never here. Get me back here. Now. At this moment. At this place. In me. Around me. Beyond the human understanding of time and space.

I’m lost. I’m clueless. I don’t know what to do. I just want to be happy. I never listen to myself. Then I get frustrated at my purported regression.

But all this needs to end. And I will end it. I am in control. I am in charge. I know what I can do. I know what’s right for our world. I know I live not for myself, but for humanity and the planet. Even though the balance of life is and will always be difficult to find, I will continue to try. I will tell myself that I can be different. I will tell myself that I need to slow down. I will tell myself that all is not lost; it never will.

The door towards peace has to be built. And it will be built. I will make sure of that. I will get out of here. And you will too.

One day, the sound of impatience will become reminder of how we are not alone in this world. The sight of suffering will become a reminder of what a privilege our lives have been. And the touch of tenderness will remind us of love and compassion. May love and compassion fill the void of our world.


4 thoughts on “0294 – The Sound of Impatience

  1. Millie May 13, 2012 / 10:38 am

    You should see Woodward Ave during the Woodward Cruise if you want to see some more honking haha.

    On a more serious note, I feel like you trying to find happiness and trying to find some purpose is really keeping you from enjoying any of the present. The people with the most interesting and inspirational life stories all usually have one thing in common: nothing was planned. Usually things took an unexpected turn, and bad or good things do happen. I wish you wouldn’t put so much pressure on yourself :/ You should read 52cups.

    • Pete W May 13, 2012 / 2:06 pm

      I mean.. life in itself seems really unplanned, isn’t it? But I believe that it’s only because there is a grand plan for us all already. I just need to stop trying so hard to be somebody, and just let things be.

  2. Millie May 14, 2012 / 12:26 am

    Hmm, I’ve never been one to believe that there’s someone out there who has control over my life. Like I don’t agree with that idea because then it’s too easy to fall into a trap of believing that I don’t have any choice or any control over something, and I think that’s a dangerous way of thinking, because it can make a person feel really powerless.

    Maybe you shouldn’t try to be a certain person, but just be yourself! I think it’s one thing to aspire to follow in some famous person’s footsteps and another thing to try to imitate some really good characteristics about them, like being creative or concerned about others. Like when you say you want to let things be, I don’t think you have to be passive about it; if you don’t like something, change it. Maybe you won’t be able to change it right away, but change happens in little increments over days, weeks, months… sometimes years… You can be active about how you want to change something, but do it in a way that suits your personality and who you are.

    • Pete W May 14, 2012 / 9:07 am

      But having a grand plan doesn’t mean that one doesn’t have control over one’s own life though. You always have control over your life. It’s just what you choose to do with it. I personally believe that the choices you make are part of the plan, but you have ownership over your choices. Some disagree, and to each his own. I believe there is a grand plan. I believe that there’s great things in store for all of us, and it is up to me to reach out for it.

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