This is probably going to be my most honest post yet. It will probably leave me vulnerable, but life has told me that it is okay for today.
We all have been through a lot of things. Some have it easier than others. Some have special gifts, while some bear very special pains. I’ve yearned, I’ve yearned so much for a place, for somewhere for me to fit in. It’s not here. It’s not anywhere I’ve been. It’s not anywhere I know. I’ve yearned for companionship. I’ve yearned for love. I’ve yearned for belonging. Life is not perfect, but we all dream of perfect lives, don’t we?
“We must let go of the lives we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell
What is the life that is waiting for me? Why am I here? Why are we all here? What are we to figure out? Or are we to figure out at all? Much has been said of the grand Mystery of the Universe, that this Mystery is something sacred, something that transcends the human understanding. Try as hard as one may and one perhaps will never unlock the Mystery.
I live in a world where cognition is the primary source of knowledge. That has led to an imbalance, one that I have felt so vibrantly at times. The yin and yang are not in harmony. The world is not in harmony. Consequently, reality as we know it becomes distorted. The truth is I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of people thirsting for money. I’m sick of people thirsting for recognition. I’m sick of people fighting to beat each other. I’m sick of people taking advantage of those that have no way to fight. I’m sick of people thinking just about themselves.
Are we really here to step on others? Are we really here just to do things for ourselves? Who/what led to this egocentric culture? Because I can’t live here, and I don’t know what I’m doing here.
Surround yourself with like-minded people, they say. Where’re they at? Why can’t I find them? I feel out of place. I feel lost. I’m losing hope.
Yet, in an almost sadistic way, life has made jealous. I’m jealous of people who are getting internship offers left and right. I’m jealous of people making a million a year. I’m jealous of people who can go out and get drunk and call that fun. Let it be known that I am not judging you. I am jealous because sometimes I even want to be like you. I want to be normal. I want to want to become a CEO and make millions. I want to just conform and have fun. Drinking is not fun for me. In fact, social drinking is sometimes painful. It hurts me just to go to a party. Why? Because it’s just not me. Simple as that. We all are wired differently. So please don’t take it personally if I say I’m not coming to your party. It’s nothing personal, and never will be. Sometimes I have enough pain in me that I don’t need more.
I’m weak in that way. I get jealous and I can be easily manipulated by the masses. Sometimes I just want to be normal. Sometimes I just want to get away with deciding to conform and live a wealthy and normal life. But I can’t get away with that. I know that there’s more. I know that I can do more. The purpose of this entry is to not seek sympathy or to make you down. Please don’t feel sad for me. I’m writing this because I will fight, because I know that this is not the end. I’m writing this because I believe. I believe in the plans that He (again, whoever He means to you is the He that I mean) has for all of us and for this planet. I’m writing this to have this engraved on the tablet of the Universe, to announce it to the world that I will take this fight to the end.
This may not be my strongest moment. As I said, this post will probably make me vulnerable. But that’s okay. It is my hope that this will elicit some sort of emotions or thoughts that in you that you may have tried really hard to ignore. Maybe it is time to let go of the lives we have planned for ourselves. Maybe it’s time to accept what’s in store for all of us.
I just watched Dead Poets Society last month, and it is now my favorite movie. It made me realize that I am a (hopeless) romantic. I dream. I do have a dream. And I will never ever stop dreaming. Realists, no offense, but I’m damn proud to be a romantic. AND it’s fun this way.
Damn that was cathartic.