0248 – Beneath the surface

Today, I want to write about pain.

I always wonder why everyone looks so happy. I wonder why everyone seems to be going out and having fun on the weekends. I wonder why people can laugh/smile/eat/chat without the worry on their faces.

I’m jealous. I’m jealous because I want to be happy. I’m jealous because I want to be well. I’m jealous because I want to be able to do things I want to without having the heavy existentialist thoughts wearing me down. But. It is a part of me. It is a part of me that plays larger than my life itself. However, sometimes, I have my rough moments where I wished I am not who I am. Sometimes I wished I don’t think as much. Sometimes I wish I’m just an ordinary college kid who just have fun.

And that is where I’m wrong.

Appearance is deceiving. Nobody knows I’m sometimes an extremely volatile and unhappy kid. Nobody knows because I don’t tell anybody. It was pointed out to me that many people may not be as happy as they look. This got me thinking a lot about why we hide our pain. In life, I hide a lot of things: pain, suffering, thoughts, the past, embarrassing stories. They are things I sometimes I don’t wanna talk about, things I sometimes don’t want others to know, things I want to bury beneath the surface forever.

So this blog post is dedicated to people who have pain buried beneath the surface. I’m sorry if I’ve stirred it. I’m grateful that you have shared. And I want to tell you that you’re strong. I want to tell you that having overcome this hurdle has made you a strong person. And I salute you for that.

I have pain buried underneath the surface. And I’m not gonna give up. I ain’t stopping til I find my place in this world.


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