I’ve been reminded by a friend of how much I actually know. How much am I suffering, relative to everybody else? Is what I have been saying for the past 3 years sensible? Is Buddhism really ‘the’ way for me?
So many people, so much diversity. We all live our own lives, and we have no way of knowing exactly how others feel. Friends, parents and shrinks try to understand, but that’s all they can do: try. Unless you’re god or some kind of psychic mind reader, you won’t know exactly how I feel, even with the information I’ve divulged right here in my blog.
We don’t know the best way to live either. Buddhism? Christianity? Taoism? Or simply a self-constructed code of ethic? Even better, say wutevs to life? Ha. The last way seems rather appealing, but no. It won’t satisfy me. My life is constantly about not being satisfied, and the search for satisfaction. My friend has said well.. if the same things don’t keep you satisfied anymore, why not find a new one? On the other hand, I think and think. The Buddhist in me has influenced me to feel that letting go is the best option. I may be terribly wrong here – who knows. In any case, that has led ‘not satisfied’ to ‘suffering’. Not good. Not good at all.
Part of the problem lies in the fact that I have chosen not to go all out Buddhism. I’ve put my hands in it once; I was ordained as a novice monk for two weeks. It was a tremendous experience, but I wasn’t ready for it. It was simply too tough. Furthermore, I’ve been shaped by the society way too much such that the ascetic life is not one of my options. On top of that, I still have my existential mission. I still want to find my purpose in life.
This is indeed true: you can’t choose how you’re born, but you can choose how you live.
I’m born to suffer a lot; more than many others, or so I’d like to believe. Or maybe, like my friend said, I’m not that good at dealing with suffering. This may be a consequence of what I’ve did in my past lives. I have also chosen to believe this.
Still.. nobody knows. Nobody. I chose my life, and I’ll stick by it until changes come. You stick by yours, and we’ll surely have interesting conversations should the opportunities arrive.