Wow. I haven’t posted seriously since 24th May. That’s more than a month. So this is the return – the return of me to this blog, and of that thing to me.
I haven’t had this overwhelming I-feel-shit-for-no-reason thing for ages, since I was just back from Singapore I reckon.
I’ve been secluding myself in my house for ages. I am just being nonchalant towards the world. However, when I meet people, there are bound to be differences. This is especially so because I am pretty much different from everybody else – more sensitive, more petty, more volatile, and more controlling.
To quote from http://www.unlockyourlife.com/unlock/htm/ul3.html,
"There are five standard components making up our "self" and have been named by Berne and Goulding as the "Adult," "Nurturing Parent," "Critical Parent," "Free Child" and "Adapted Child… As we go through the day and the situations call for it, our consciousness and behavior switches back and forth between the various ego states. At any one time the individual may be in the "Adult" ego state, then switch to "Critical Parent," "Free Child" and so forth.
But what does this have to do with being stuck and not being able to change behavior, habits or lifestyles? A lot. Different modules and ego states kick-in at unpredictable times, producing contradictory feelings and behavior. Incongruities between the modules and ego states lead to contrary, inconsistent, conflicting, self-defeating, self-sabotaging and even self-destructive behavior and can result in feelings of depression, phobias, general dissatisfaction and unhappiness."
Now that’s what I mean by volatility. I’ve finally found a nice elaboration to my volatility.
So even though I was happy three seconds ago, I may feel shitty and depressed the next three. It happens often.
People hardly get along with critical parents, because they use reason excessively. I tend to be like that sometimes. It’s hard for me too, because I know it creates trouble, and I don’t want trouble. Sometimes I feel as if people – even the ones I thought they will – don’t understand me or simply can’t give a damn.
So, do I say "that’s there problem and i don’t care?"
or should I say "relax and fix the problem at the root – me."
There is a strong tendency to opt for the first option, but I know it’s wrong. There is a strong suffering on the inside – and a perpetual one as well. Even though I seem to forget it, the problem lingers on in my heart. and it eats me alive. Sometimes I feel that I don’t even want to be friends with myself. It’s that bad huh.
So, how do I end this thing?
As I said, the root cause is me, and my character.
When people encounter an obstacle or a challenge, it’s not uncommon for them to blame somebody else, or even something. We’re correct. We have to be!
Time to change, lads.
I’ve learned these things from my short monkhood 🙂
The problem, and therefore the solution, lies with one’s heart.
You can fix yourself. Don’t fix others.
Look at yourself 90% of the time. The other 10% is for admiring others’ positive traits.
Well, the ultimate step… is for one to understand that these are all worldly attachments. All suffering. Eternal suffering. If you can quell your heart and disentangle it from all these attachments, peace will be yours.
So you say, Pete. So you say.
How do I find the willpower to do this???