"Somehow, with the passage of time, and the deadlines that life imposes, surrendering became the right thing to do."
"Yes, I’m a great optimist. But when trying to make a decision, I often think of the worst-case scenario. I call it "The Eaten By Wolves Factor." … One thing that makes it possible to be an optimist is if you have a contingency plan for when all hell breaks loose. There are a lot of things I don’t worry about because I have a plan in place if they do."
Well well, looks like I have a lot to learn.
I wanted to rant about how …. wasteful, in terms of both money and time, and useless some of the things I do about university application matters. Instead, I’m gonna turn it into a reflection, in response to the quote from Randy.
I am kind of a pessimist. I look for the ‘worst-case scenario’ that Randy talks about almost all the time. Yet, I spend my time fearing that these worse-case scenarios might actually happen, and I might just die, metaphorically. I don’t always come up with a contingency plan; sometimes I just felt as if things are slated to happen and I can’t do anything to happen. But no. I can do something. It’s not Destiny who chooses my path; I choose the path, and destiny walks me through it. I have to be in control.
Sometimes my contingency plan can be just trying to calm myself down. Being severely emotional sucks when you don’t get what you want. I need to learn that I can’t have it my way all the time. I need to compromise.
Part of being a Scorpio means that I demand the best for myself, relentlessly and determinedly. And I am trying to handle this urge to be on top. Being a Scorpio gives me great vitality and energy, which if channeled in the positive way will, I hope, lead me to be something great. So I have to really stop messing around already. Emotions drain lots of energy. lots and lots.
(I wanna digress a bit. Sorry. lol.
Maybe that’s why I feel so miserable these days. I am home, playing computer, and slacking all the time. Basically, I’m doing nothing. And I’m so not happy with that. I want to DO SOMETHING. I wanna have responsibilities. I wanna have work! lol. I wanna fast forward myself to my time in university.
Now, back to the topic.)
So, yes. I am always not happy about something, even when something very good happens. Let me give you an example.
University applications are a vital turning point in my life, so of course I have contingency planS. I have plan A, plan B and plan C. I applied through this program, applied through that website, applied for this scholarship, took the SAT, took the TOEFL, took the Thai scholarship test, applied for financial aid, bla bla bla. I do everything. I do everything in my power to see that I WILL get into a good university and that I will hopefully be able to afford the education in the USA, the free world.
I thought Plan A was gonna falter so I spent so much effort making sure that plan B will succeed. I’m not going to know the results yet, not until March 31, 2009. Anyhow, I spent so much money and so much paper (one-sided print! T-T) and so much energy trying to secure Plan B.
Plan A succeeds.
I should be over the moon, right?
No, I ranted to myself about how I shouldn’t have wasted so much money on Plan B. Well, even though the amount of money I had to spend altogether was outrageous, it was a contingency plan – a very important one, because Plan A may have very well failed. I somehow can’t learn to accept that. I blogged about my input in everything being not worth the output I receive, but I always forget the fact that contingency plans provide security and certainty, two of the things I dearly require in my life.
So, I’m going to try to slowly teach myself to understand how the law of thermodynamics apply to my life.
God bless my soul.
Anyway, a bit about Randy’s book. found the first three quarters of the book very boring, and I didn’t really like this book as a whole. Actually, I don’t really like reading this kind of book because it’s always written by some super human being who has achieved to come to terns with his life – someone who is extranordinary in more ways than one. Well, I’m not there yet. Everyone loves people who succeed, but what about losers? Underachievers? Failures? I wanna read about how losers have come to accept themselves as who they are, because acceptance is something I struggle with on a daily basis. Furthermore, the futureis uncertain and I might very well become a loser. Being content and loving yourself when you suck are feats that not many people can achieve.